To mark National Grief Awareness Day on August 30, some therapists have highlighted the more unexpected experiences of grief – and how as therapists they support clients through this. We want to help people understand that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
Bhavna Raithatha says: “Grief is a curious animal. For some, it can feel devastating and shake their world off its axis for a while. For others, it may feel like part and parcel of life that they take in their stride.”
Susan Carr adds that people are often surprised when grief doesn’t affect them in the way they thought it would. She says: “They worry that they’re ‘not grieving properly’ or ‘not grieving enough.’ This can be a natural part of the process especially in the early days and is often the mind’s way of protecting us from feeling overwhelmed by grief.”
Tears come when they’re ready
“Sometimes people tell me they haven’t cried since the bereavement,” says Roya Royle. “In therapy, especially that first session, the tears can suddenly come, and it can feel overwhelming. Often afterwards there’s some relief, as though a weight has lifted.
“I reassure clients there’s no time limit on grief. Tears come when they’re ready, and when the client feels safe to let them (even if this is years later). My role is to be with them through it, so they don’t have to face it alone.”
Sometimes people may appear without emotion. Jen Mak says: “The telling of a story can be surprisingly matter of fact, to the point that any emotion appears absent – this can be a way of cognitively making sense of something we wish wasn't reality.”
Grief can affect the body, not just emotions
Grief may surprise people when it ‘shows up’ in their bodies. People can feel physical symptoms, such as nausea, headaches, a heavy chest, upset stomach, joint and muscle pains, tension, and tiredness.
Susan says: “It may not always be obvious that this is being caused by grief which can cause additional worry that they have something physically wrong.”
Both Susan and Roya discuss with their clients about how to look after their physical wellbeing, in ways such as rest, massage, getting exercise, eating properly, getting fresh air and keeping to a routine. They also encourage clients to check with their GP if symptoms are new or unusual.
It’s possible to feel grief and joy at the same time
It can feel confusing for people to feel joy while grieving.
Roya says: “I reassure clients that it’s possible to feel grief and joy at the same time. It doesn’t mean they loved the person any less.”
Amy Bojanowski-Bubb says: “I remind clients that these glimmers of joy are not a betrayal – they’re part of being human. I might gently say, ‘It’s okay to let both exist - your sadness and your joy. Neither cancels the other out.’ Together, we explore how allowing joy in can feel like a soft place to land in a very painful process.”
Humour can be an essential survival tool
Some people may find humour at this time flippant or shocking, but for others it can help create small pockets of relief in an unbearable period, says Laurie Hole.
She adds: “Dark humour in particular can help grieving people say the unsayable. It acknowledges the absurdity of grief and can offer some semblance of control in a world that no longer resembles normal.
“While some people might disapprove, grief belongs to the griever and they don't need to justify or apologise for their way of coping.”
Grief is messy and flows the way it wants to
Lorraine Collins says: “Over the years I've seen how grief can manifest in a myriad of ways and never in a way that's linear. Grief is messy and will flow in a way that it wants to. Just as a snowflake has its own unique shape and identity, it's pretty much the same for human beings with their own unique lived experience.”
She adds: “I gently encourage my clients to consider first, what making space for their grief might look like. It could be intentionally going to a place where they get to scream into a pillow or up at the sky. It might be having someone sit beside them while they go through old photographs. Whatever they might need to do that gives permission for their grief to be expressed safely is ok.”
Feeling relief is not disrespectful or a sign you didn’t love someone
Roya says: “For people who’ve spent years caring for others ie. children, partners, or elderly parents, the death of someone they’ve cared for can sometimes lead to noticing their own needs for the first time in a long while. Alongside the sadness, they might also feel moments of relief, freedom or even hope for the future, which can bring guilt.”
Amy adds: “I reassure clients that relief is not disrespectful or unloving. It’s a natural response to the ending of struggle, tension, or fear. I often say, ‘You’re grieving the loss, and you’re also exhaling from the weight you’ve carried.’ Together, we work on gently holding both sides of that truth, giving permission for the body and mind to release what was heavy. That often involves practicing self-compassion, so they can meet relief not with shame, but with understanding.”
Anxiety can hit hard as the world feels less predictable
Susan says: “After a loss, people can find themselves worrying more - either about their own mortality or those around them or just having more general anxiety as the world no longer feels as predictable as it once did. A loss can feel like the ‘rug has been pulled from under you’.
She adds: “I start by reassuring them that this can be a normal reaction but also look at ways of managing their anxiety such as journalling, grounding techniques, breathing and relaxation exercises as well as distraction techniques and thought challenging.”
You might alternate between focussing on your loss, and on your new life
Sandhya Bhattacharya highlights what’s called the dual process of loss and how it’s significant in helping people to cope. People may alternate between being ‘loss oriented’, remembering and yearning for the deceased, and ‘restoration oriented’, which is distracting themselves or avoiding thinking of grief.
She adds: “Being loss oriented requires energy to work through the loss, leaving us depleted. Restorative functions help us manage the suffering and pain of loss, so we’re ready to attend to these feelings when returning to loss-oriented functions.”
She explains how therapy can help recognise the dual process of loss, explore how repeatedly avoiding thinking about loss can be a problem and understand why clients are avoiding pain.
Grief may shake the foundations of how we see ourselves
Amy says: “Loss - whether it’s death, divorce, estrangement, or even children leaving home - can unsettle identity in profound ways. I help clients slowly rebuild by reflecting on the parts of themselves that still remain, while also exploring who they are becoming. It’s deeply powerful to witness clients discover that while grief changes them, it doesn’t erase them.”
It can be normal to feel listlessness and apathy
While we often talk about the intense emotions following grief, less is said about the other feelings it can leave people with.
Laurie says: “The truth is, after the chaos of early grief, it can be normal to experience periods of feeling empty and where none of our usual interests bring us any relief and everything feels a bit pointless.
“Adding small anchors to the day can be helpful - things that feel soothing, gentle and grounding. Additionally, giving yourself permission to feel unmotivated, flat and bored can be incredibly powerful. Permission to stay where we are without fixing it, usually allows the state of being to resolve in its own time.”
Cultural expectations can sometimes impact how you grieve
Bhavna says: “Some people feel pressured by family or culture to follow rituals and customs that surround grief, that may itself bring up emotions."
She explains: "When clients are struggling with particular expectations, for example to behave, dress, travel or sacrifice in certain ways, my priority is to provide a safe space where they can be themselves. We explore how they can both honour their culture and their own needs at this difficult time. Grief is a bewildering experience, but, the important thing with grief is to be kind to yourself.”
Grief can lead to an increased sexual desire
Michaela Verby says that sometimes grief shows up in the body through an increase in sexual desire.
She adds: “This can feel confusing or even shameful as many people may wonder why they’re craving intimacy or seeking sex at a time when they’re supposed to feel only sadness. For some, it’s a way of feeling alive or connected again in the face of loss; but the reasons vary from person to person. My job is to explore what the sexual desire means to the person. Is it comfort, closeness, distraction, expression? Approaching this experience with compassion rather than judgement helps one to create a sense of connectedness within and is a vital part of working with grief.”
You might grieve before the loss
Anticipatory grief is when people have feelings of grief before someone dies.
Susan says: “If someone has had a long illness then the death may be more anticipated, in which case we may have already started to process the loss before it has actually happened. Where someone has been ill there can also sometimes be a sense of “relief” that means that we may not experience grief in the way that we expected. These responses are all valid and more common than you may think - there isn’t a right or wrong way to go through it.”
People can grieve at life stages
People can go through a grieving process while making sense of what, or whom, they have lost when they reach different life stages. For instance, this could be starting a relationship and losing the independence of being single, when a couple start a family, or children leaving home.
Sandhya says: “Through all these stages, loss tells us something about ourselves. We learn who we are and what we have to give up, to transition into another life stage.
“Couples and families come to my practice trying to make sense of what they have lost. We explore this loss in therapy and I help my clients understand and process grief. The therapeutic aim is to come to a place of acceptance and be at peace with the changes experienced.”
You can feel grief over the loss of something you never had
Jen Mak explains: “The loss of something one never had might be the tender point you don't see. Small talk can so easily revolve around families and kids, especially in the summer holidays. It's easy to forget that this isn't an experience everyone shares. It might not have been someone's choice to not be a parent or a grandparent.”
** This is an article I am sharing to help my clients, I can't take any credit for it's content, other wonderful therapists have created this!**